It is not What’s Wrong With You - It’s What Happened to You.

When we think about trauma, we often think about memories. We think about what happened. Or we try not to think about it.

• The story.

• The loss.

• The event.

• The thing we can’t stop thinking about.

This is why we can logically know we are safe while our heart races in some seemingly random way. Sometimes it feels like panic. Sometimes a quiet buzzing that you can’t quite figure out but it’s there. The brain will fill in the gaps but the body holds the history. Your brain operates on data that it is given but the nervous system operates from experiential programming. This is why when you feel (randomly??) upset, your brain may tell you you are tired or disappointed but your body may actively feel unsafe, or worried, or stuck. It’s often a disconnect so move to feel over think.

Trauma doesn’t only live in thoughts. It settles into the nervous system. It lives in clenched jaws, tight shoulders, shallow breathing, stomach aches, headaches, chronic tension, exhaustion, insomnia, hypervigilance, and that relentless constant worrying and waiting for something bad to happen.

It’s why logically we can understand that a relationship is healthy while every part of us expects abandonment.

We can spend years talking about what happened and still feel stuck. It can feel like a self-designed prison.

While the body remembers, it’s not packed in your ankle next to some veins like an old trunk.

Many people come into therapy frustrated with their responses to relationships, work and life. We want the anxiety to stop. We want the panic to disappear. We want to avoid crying, raging, shutting down and to stop feeling so reactive. Of course - reasonable, right?

But fast-tracking it through mindful meditations and deep breathing isn’t cutting it. Because we can’t breathe a trauma response into the ether.

Get curious - what if those symptoms aren’t evidence that something is wrong with you? What if they’re evidence that your nervous system learned how to survive? And it’s doing its job?

Your body adapted to experiences that felt overwhelming, unsafe, unpredictable, or emotionally isolating at the time and it learned patterns.

It learned protection.

And sometimes it keeps using those same strategies long after they’re needed.

The body isn’t malfunctioning. It’s trying to help.

And that’s brilliance. Your body isn’t broken, your nervous system just needs a software update. Your body is operating from old data. Childhood traumas, abusive relationships, hyper-critical upbringings…this all writes on the canvas of who we are and our bodies learned to adapt to our environment to survive.

How trauma shows up is sometimes obvious. A car accident. An assault. A loss. A medical crisis. An unexpected death.

But often the wounds that stay and set up a tent in the body are quieter. Growing up with criticism. Never knowing what mood a parent would be in. Being the peacemaker. Feeling emotionally alone. Learning that your needs were too much. Learning that love was conditional. Not being seen, understood, valued…

The nervous system reacting to a trigger doesn’t vet if this fear is justified. It’s constantly scanning for threats to safety.

Overreaction, oversensitivity, short tempered, avoidant, compliance, self-protecting, abandonment. These are very real, very legitimate responses to a traumatic situation, and your system is honed to find them because it’s running on old software when you had no resources, maturity, clarity or safety at the time of impact.

Most of us spend years trying to think, or talk or even breathe our way out of our pain.

• We analyze.

• We explain.

• We intellectualize.

• We bury.

• We dismiss.

Instead of asking, “What’s wrong with me?” Try asking: “What is my body trying to tell me?”

When anxiety shows up, where do you feel it? In your chest? Your throat? Your stomach? Note that.

When you think about a difficult conversation, what happens inside? Do you tense? Do you hold your breath? Do you feel an urge to leave? To fight? To disappear? What are you telling yourself at that moment of a trigger?

The goal isn’t to fix it immediately. The goal is to get curious.

Healing begins when we learn how to listen. Sit with the discomfort - even for a minute. Call it out to yourself. I see you. I feel you.

Then move. Quite literally move. Sometimes a walk, an all over body shake-out, dance it out, move your head - in a meeting at work and feel activated? Redirect your attention. A painting on the wall. A tree outside. Feel your body in your chair, or your feet on the floor. If you can, ask that hurting part what it wants you to know.

Feels strange? I get it. My clients know this is my jam. Because it works. If it feels awkward just know we talk to ourselves all the time. Have you ever said, “part of me wants to go but another doesn’t”? Those are two parts of you in conflict. You talk to yourself about it and make a decision. This is no different.

Committee meeting with you and your parts with you leading.

Healing happens in connection - NOT in isolation. One of the biggest misconceptions about trauma healing is that we need to get rid of our symptoms. But actually, we heal when we stop fighting our nervous systems and appreciate how hard it is working to keep you safe.

When we stop judging our reactions and bring in some curiosity about what our systems have been trying to protect us from, we appreciate that the body carries the story and the path toward healing.

Start with curiosity. Ask yourself what you need.

It might be a break. It might be an assessment for safety. It may be a temporary malfunction because your boss acts like your negligent mother or your spouse is needing more vulnerability from you except that was never the way in your childhood home, or that teenager who slammed the door brought you back to that one time…

Remind yourself:

• You are safe now.

• You have the voice and the autonomy you may not have had.

• You have resources.

• You can leave an abusive or hostile engagement.

• You are not the same person you were when activation needed to happen.

Breathing is great for immediate and temporary reset but it’s not a healing tool. Your body is the sum total of all of your experiences and it deserves compassion and respect. Treat yourself like a friend you adore. You wouldn’t dismiss someone you love in distress so don’t do it to you.

For more information about Accelerated Resolution Therapy as a tool to help move negative symptoms or sensations out, check this out.

Trust yourself. You got you here. And it wasn’t easy. Brava.