Home for the holidays; when all your parts rsvp

IFSboundariesmental healthholiday stress
Written By Dawn Smith, LCSW

The holidays have a rather funny way of bringing out the best(??!!) in us… and also the parts of us we haven’t seen since 2009. You know the ones—your People-Pleaser Part that agrees to bring a gluten-free, dairy-free, sugar-free dessert with a warm but painful, “no problem!” even though it definitely is a problem; your Fixer Part that thinks it can rescue every family conversation (and every family member); or that Teen Protector that wants to retreat to the guest room with airpods and a plate of carbs. Or that Angry or Avoidant part that wants several glasses of wine to manage that Insecure Part who keeps showing up and reminding you what you can’t do. Those parts make up our Internal Family and they can be as complicated, curious and challenging as that external family living in your home - or your life.

Why Are Boundaries So Hard This Time of Year?

Because the holidays activate our whole internal family before you’ve even walked into the real one. Old dynamics, expectations, traditions, emotional histories—they all invite your Parts to jump in and “manage” things for you.

Some try to keep the peace, some brace for conflict, and some want you to run. Like now…

IFS gives us a compassionate way to understand all these reactions:

Every boundary struggle comes from Parts trying their best to protect you.

Step 1: Check In With Your Parts

Before you say yes, no, or “let me check,” take a breath and notice:

  • Which Part is speaking up?

  • What is it afraid will happen if you set a boundary?

  • What does it need from you right now?

You don’t have to fix the Part—you just have to listen. Parts tend to soften when they feel heard. Don’t we all in a way?

Step 2: Let Self Lead

SELF is that state of being - the calm, untethered one. The internal and eternal you. No hang ups, no inner conflict, no crazy, loud chatter in your head - just you…glorious you.

When your Self energy is present—calm, clear, compassionate—you can set boundaries without guilt or apology. Self doesn’t get dramatic. Self doesn’t spiral. Self is the one inside who can say:

  • “I’m not able to stay late, but I’m glad to be here for dinner.”

  • “I love you, and I’m going to skip that conversation.”

  • “That doesn’t work for me, but here’s what does.”

Self also knows that a boundary is not a punishment—it’s a way of keeping relationships safe and sustainable.

Step 3: Notice When Parts Take the Wheel

Maybe your Guilt Part pops up:

“It’s the holidays. You should say yes. Everyone will be disappointed.”

Or your Angry Protector jumps in:

“If they criticize me one more time, I’m flipping this table.”

In IFS, we don’t shame the Parts. We thank them for trying.

Then we gently invite them to step back so Self can drive.

Boundaries set from Self feel grounded and firm—not reactive or people-pleasing. They land better, too.

Step 4: Choose the Kindest Version of the Truth

You can be honest and warm.

Direct and gentle.

Clear and connected.

Boundaries don’t require a 10-point presentation or a holiday monologue that starts with, “You always…” In fact, shorter is better. You don’t need to qualify your need to assert yourself - you don’t need to apologize for showing up for yourself.

Try something like:

  • “I’m going to pass on that tradition this year.”

  • “I need a little quiet time.”

  • “I’m not able to host, but thanks for thinking of me.”

Simple. Self-led. No emotional gymnastics required.

Step 5: Expect Discomfort (It Doesn’t Mean You’re Wrong)

Some Parts inside you—and a few outside you—may not love your new boundaries. That’s okay. Discomfort doesn’t mean you’ve done something wrong; it means you’re doing something different. They will adapt. It’s an inherent survival skill.

Your boundaries might feel new, but they’re actually making space for more authenticity, more connection, and more emotional safety—for you and everyone else. Like new shoes…feels a little weird at first but you adapt.

Step 6: Celebrate Your Internal System

Every time you set a boundary:

  • A People-Pleaser gets to rest.

  • A Protector gets to relax.

  • A younger Part feels safer inside you.

That’s the quiet magic of the holidays—not just twinkle lights and cookies, but those internal moments when you choose yourself with kindness.

A Final Invitation

This season, notice your Parts with curiosity. Let Self lead when you’re able. And remember: boundaries are not barriers—they’re bridges to healthier relationships, including and maybe the most significant - the one you have with yourself.

Your Parts have worked hard all year.

Let them rest.

Let YOU rest.

Happy holidays—inside and out.

And if it gets too much - you can find me here.

I believe in you - dawn

Dawn Smith, LCSW